The End of a Trip of a Lifetime

How does one possibly write a piece of closure to the last almost 2 years? I have no idea what to even say, and I have to warn you, whatever I come up with is probably going to be horribly cheesy. At this point, nothing feels real and all I know is that time goes by SO incredibly fast I cannot believe it, and that I can’t believe it’s over. I just can’t. But I feel like I should attempt to write out something, no matter how cheesy and boring it may be.

I will start with a poem that I have started my trip with:

Ithaca:
When you set out on your journey to Ithaca, pray that the road is long.
Full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops, the angry Poseidon- do not fear them,
You will never find such as these on your path if your thoughts remain lofty
If a fine emotion touches your body and spirit
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops, the fierce Poseidon, you will never encounter
If you do not carry them within your soul, if your soul does not set them before you.
Pray that the road is long, that summer mornings are many
When with such pleasure, with such joy you will enter ports seen for the first time
Stop at the Phoenician markets, visit many Egyptian cities to learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind, to arrive there is the ultimate goal
But do not hurry the voyage at all, it is better to let it last for many years
And to anchor at the island when you are old, rich with all you have gained on the way
Not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches, Ithaca has given you a beautiful voyage
Without her you never would have set foot out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you, but has not deceived you. Wise as you have become,
With so much experience, you already must have understood what Ithaca means.

Part of me is just devastated that this trip is over. I mean, I have known my entire life this is what I have wanted to do, but now what? I know I should see it as an accomplishment, but it is also so sad, something ending always reminds me that I am getting older and life is passing me by.

But maybe passing me by is the wrong expression for it, because I don’t think life is passing me by at all. I think I have grabbed hold and am careening along with it. I think that I made a statement that day in Boulder, sitting at Café Sole studying for finals, pretty miserable with my life at that time and I randomly bought a ticket to Bangkok. I thought that so many people wish and hope for something to happen to them in their life, or they say they will do something, and a lot of people spend their entire life with this, putting travel off until retirement or what have you. But I decided to choose life at that point, to take control of my life, though I was terrified, and jump. I decided that was the moment that I went from talking about living a life to living it and I decided that was how I would define my life from here on out. It was one of those moments in life that you can see a clear before and after.

And yet, I almost don’t recognize that girl. I have been through so many countries and seen so many things since that moment. But I don’t regret anything. Well, I sometimes regret a few things that I didn’t do, but nothing that I have done. And I can’t complain. I think about all that I have been through and it all feels like a dream, and at the same time I am so sad it is over. Time is cruel, that is for sure.

How many lifetimes do we have in a life? I sit in my hotel room in Guatemala, getting ready to leave for the airport tomorrow morning and nothing feels real. Nothing. It is all a dream, like my whole life is a dream. Since the September before last, I have been caught up in crazy violence in political rallies, swam in the Caribbean, seen horrific violence, been tear gassed and shot at in riots, heard so many languages spoken, had incredible conversations with people from all walks of life, spotted animals in the Serengeti, found untouched beauty in Antarctica, looked at amazing stars from a canoe in Bolivia, thought I would die of malaria, bribed border guards, fallen briefly in love many times, had my heart broken, met people that I will never forget, met people I thought I would never forget but they have faded away, had so many moments with people that could be a lifetime of their own, a private world nobody else could ever understand and known things will never be the same, yet somehow they always are. I have eaten all sorts of incredible food, looked at the Southern Cross which has always given me strength in many countries, stared up at massive mountains in Patagonia, gone to the world’s newest country, seen some of the oldest sights in the world, been helped time and time again by perfect strangers, been in situations I probably shouldn’t have survived, spent more time on a bus or waiting for a bus than most people will in a lifetime, come face to face with death and with life, had disappointments and also moments of untouched beauty, seen things that have changed my spirituality and beliefs in life, walked through sand dunes in the Sahara, watched dolphins jump in the ocean, wrestled with monkeys, laughed so hard I thought my insides would explode, cried so hard I thought I would never stop, listened to the Muslim call to prayer over haunting rooftops, been to church, been eaten alive by mosquitoes and bed bugs, stayed in the most horrific accommodations and not eaten to save a couple dollars, seen more world heritage centers and world wonders than I ever thought I could, trained horses in South Africa, gotten to interview people in another language and found some amazing journalistic stories, been offered a travel advice column, lived with families all over the world and been taken in and invited into their lives, chatted with Hamas, hiked through countless jungles, been to some of the world’s most beautiful beaches, cage dived with Great White sharks, looked into the eyes of refugees, attempted to read Finnegan’s Wake in a pub in Ireland and realized the more beer I drank the more it made sense, found a soul mate of a friend in my sometimes travel buddy Colleen, slept in a baby tent for an extended period of time, danced in a mud hut in the candlelight to incredible music in Zimbabwe, been thrown into crazy rapids and rescued by a kayak, gone on a date with royalty, been spun around Salsa and Meringue dancing in Latin America, been surrounded by penguins and been incredibly close to a Humpback Whale, spoken Kiswahili in front of huge crowds at political rallies, been an extra in a movie, sat on top Mayan ruins alone looking at the jungle before me, born witness to people’s fears and hopes in some crazy situations, I have had incredible times doing nothing more than looking out a bus window, or waking up on a bus with that feeling you get of being headed to an unknown destination and feeling so safe and happy in that, blissfully happy. I have hiked in the Himalayas, been treated like an honored guest, been the first white person many people have seen, gone spear fishing, meditated in a giant pyramid, watched waves crash on rocks as the sun set over the ocean, been scared and lonely, elated and full of life, gotten a new family, had some incredibly difficult times but throughout it all had the best time of my life. Since September of 2007, I have been to 59 (I think) countries. How have I been so lucky?

I am so sad this trip is over, but at the same time, my life has been so incredible that I know it is time to move on to the next step and really give back. So many strangers with nothing have given me all they had. I am absolutely humbled by the endless kindness I have found. My life has been touched by things I have seen and people I have met and I want so much to be able to contribute to humanity and help people as much, or better yet, even more than I have been helped in my life.

I hate endings and I hate time passing, I don’t want to get older. I have always been such a nostalgic person, I still miss high school, college, my horse, etc., but I was thinking about it the other day and if the hardest part of my life is my nostalgia, namely, if my biggest problem is that my past is so good that I miss it and all the people in it, then I think I am doing ok!

But still it is something I really struggle with and most people don’t understand. But with traveling so much, I realize that there is much of my life nobody will ever understand. There is a community in travelers for sure, a camaraderie that nobody else gets, but from the places I have chosen to go and the life decisions I have made, I am very much alone and will always be so. But
I do know I am incredibly strong in myself, especially after all I have been though.
Like I said, I feel like I have had so many lifetimes in this one lifetime, and I don’t know where things end or begin, but I am honored for all the people I have met and experiences I have had. I love my life so incredibly much. But endings are bittersweet.

This trip has all had a sense of inevitability with it. One thing has lead to another in ways that I never possibly have predicted, but somehow it has always been right. I was looking at my old journal and here is what I wrote when this journey started, sitting at the airport in South Africa, waiting for my flight to Zimbabwe:

“Leaving on this journey, I know in my heart I can never go back. I have decided to have a higher quality to my life than before. It is a moment-to-moment conscious decision not to hold anything back. I am on a path with a heart, momentum builds when I trust in my heart. When it is the right thing to do there are no limits. I trust that because I am on a path with a heart, life is opening up to me and new possibilities are being created every moment and I am right where I need to be. I really have this sense of faith/trust that everything comes into my life should be here. It’s all good. I’m going to look back on all the things I used to worry about and see it was a waste of time because none came to fruition. I’ll look back on this trip as the best decision of my life, the beginning of life.”

We can all live this way, all of us.

I want to thank every single person that I have met along the way and thank everyone who may be reading this from home and from other journeys. I don’t know if you could ever fathom how much your emails and support have meant to me throughout this trip. Thank you. I have met such incredible people that have absolutely changed my life and given me faith in humanity, and at the same time, feel so incredibly lucky for all my incredible friends I have at home as well, thanks for keeping in touch and for welcoming me back into your lives when I have come back to Boulder briefly. I love all of you more than you could imagine. I want to thank my mom for her endless support, all that she does for me, I don’t have words for how much I love her and how much she means to me, anything I could say is insufficient.

I have been living such a temporary existence for so many years, always knowing this trip would come, then coming back and touching base only to know I would leave again. I have seen my best friends get married and buy houses. It is strange to have chosen such a different life than the people that I grew up with, but I know in my heart this is the only way it could be for me. Yet it still feels like a dream, does all of life feel that way with time?

One of my goals while traveling was to find what my passion is. I have always been envious of those people who know what their passions are. Finally it hit me and I realized how stupid I have been, it was right under my nose, travel. My passion is travel. So I must, and will, find a way to always keep it in my life, this is what I need to remind myself when I am sad about this trip ending. And I do believe I am ready for the next step, ready to contribute in a big way somehow, though how I have not yet found the way. And I know that I thrive on the outdoors and adrenaline and I do always want to live my life as an adventure.

I have learned so much in my travels and I hope to retain what I have found. One says that travels have hidden meanings that don’t surface until long after the trip has ended. I have yet to see what those are. But I do hope that I, and everyone else who is inspired to do so, to continue to live a brave life. I have always felt deeply, always struggled with having such strong emotions and that has caused turmoil in my life, but lately, I have realized that for me at least, that is not a bad thing, simply my way of experiencing my life without a filter.
“We do not commonly live our life out and full; we do not fill all our pores with blood; we do not inspire and expire fully and entirely enough, we live but a fraction of our life. Why do we not let on the flood, raise the gates and set all our wheels in motion”

So really, I apologize, not only is this cheesy, but it is meandering too. Coming home after extended travel is always difficult, especially after living this temporary existence, as I said, for so long. I don’t know what life has in store for me, but I hope to take what I have learned and apply it to the next step. I suppose there are no words for ending a trip like this. So instead of words, all I have is gratitude. And though some days are easier than others, I am learning to not ever be afraid, and to have nothing but trust. I wrote this in South Africa watching the sun set over the ocean:

“I learned that I will never be afraid again. It’s true. Look at this world, it is so beautiful. I am not afraid. I trust. I completely trust in this beautiful life. Look at how amazing it has been and still doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s limitless when you trust, soften, believe, dream, let go and allow for space. I am free. The universe is creating possibilities for me as I travel on this path with a heart, it will take m to where I need to go.”

What a crazy couple of years. I love my life and everyone in it so much, I really do. Thank you. Thank you so much.