Last Day (Antarctica)

Sitting by myself on my little bench spot, looking at the endless miles of open ocean, the power of the waves that thrash our boat. I am so sad to leave. I feel like after the wildness and vast expanse, pristine serenity, awe and power I have seen in Antarctica and the Southern Ocean, everything else will seem confining, even other expanses of nature.

The wind thrashes me so severely I feel like someone has grabbed me by my shoulders and is shaking me. Waves explode over the railing as we hit stormy seas. I love the raw power and strength.

There is something so sad about leaving nature and going back to civilization. I know I have been on this boat which is of course civilization, but still it’s hard. I always think of that quote about how hard it is to return after you have been touched by nature, after you have summated a mountain.

Tears literally spring to my eyes when I think about not only what I have just experienced, but the places I have seen the last few years. I am sad. How is it that the happiest times in my life give me the most sadness? Why can’t I be like other people, just glad that I had them, instead I am so nostalgic that I miss the past. The ending is in sight of my travels. I can’t imagine them being done, when this is my passion and has been my life for so long. But the fact that this is the last leg of my trip hits me at times. I know I need to prepare for it somehow. Another ending, the one of this Antarctica trip always reminds me of this.

There is that inevitable let down and I have to do my best not to let it get to me. Instead of being sad, I need to carry the energy I found forward and use that. I’m going to miss this wild, stormy ocean.

I don’t want to forget the enormity of what I have just experienced. I don’t want whatever resources Antarctica has touched in me to fade away.

My travels are the most important thing in the world to me, they define me in the fact that I do it alone, not taking the easy way out, without anyone else to depend on but myself and definitely not with a tour group. The experience is completely and vastly different if you do it alone as opposed to with someone else.

Most people that I know have a travel companion, but I prefer to find the strength in myself, I feel like it makes me grow and challenges me. It is not the way most people can travel and yes, it is painful at times, it is not the same kind of fun you have with another person, but to me, it is the only way to do it. The thought of knowing who I will meet or what I will be doing this time tomorrow feels like death. I love possibility. How will I ever fit into a life again at home?

I don’t want my travels to become stories or anecdotes when I get home. Somehow, I want to find a way to keep them alive, not just alive, but burning. But it is all so tenuous.